Series 1: Matrescence (birth of a mother):
With no concern for the outcome, I began engaging in the process of whittling matchsticks with an exacto knife. This process was tedious and monotonous, but I felt the need to keep at it. Repeatedly carving into matchsticks came to symbolize nursing during the first months of my son’s life. I remember struggle, despair and dread when it came time to breastfeed. It wasn’t just about learning this new skill, I was also overwhelmed about how I saw myself in this new role as a mother: incapable, unworthy, not enough. This is not a piece about destruction or failure though. These whittled matchsticks represent the cutting away at who I was before so that I could become the mother I eventually realized I was capable of being. These changes were painful and I often resisted giving in to how much my son needed me.
For this art piece, I used my nursing journal to track the number of nursing minutes in a 24 hour period. This resulted in 425 whittled matchsticks representing over 7 hours of nursing. They have been glued to a burp cloth.
Series 2: Splintered Nest:
This piece is made from matches that I cut into with an exacto knife and then shaped into a bird’s cup nest. A nest represents a home for new life since birds only make a nest as a place to lay and incubate eggs and raise their young.
I have made this splintered nest to represent my relationship as a child with my mother. It shows the consequences of her emotional unavailability and emotional instability. The nest is not glued or tied together so it easily falls apart. There is no comfort to be found in the hard and sharp pieces of wood. The match heads give the look of an easily ignitable space which represents the emotional volatility of my mother. A child’s sense of self is largely determined by the responsiveness and emotional stability of their primary caregiver and in my case my mother was unable or unwilling to provide this secure base for which I could develop a healthy sense of self.
Once the nest was made, I began to reflect on the process. Making this nest was frustrating and physically painful. I could only cut at the matches for short periods of time before my neck and shoulders started to ache as I tried to push the subpar knife along the match. The match is thin, but the wood itself is tough and leads it to randomly split off and splinter. It reminded me of my efforts to be a ‘good enough’ mother for my son when I wasn’t given the right ‘tools’ or ‘materials’ from my mother to provide a secure attachment for my child.
